


Of All My Secrets

by Maeple



Series: Hidekane Week 2018 [3]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Fluff, Hidekane Week, Hidekane Week 2018, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 20:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15420645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maeple/pseuds/Maeple
Summary: Kaneki trades two secrets for one more--his favorite by far.ForHidekane WeekDay 3 (posted ontumblr)Prompts:Questioning/Friends to Lovers/"'Cause I love the guy."





	Of All My Secrets

Kaneki Ken had a secret to keep from his best friend.

Okay, so maybe he had two.

And neither of them were really secrets, not entirely. There was at least one person who knew each.

"Would you stop being so gross and, I don't know, maybe do your job?" Touka snapped as she walked past him, a rag in hand.

Kaneki looked up from where he'd been staring across Anteiku at a certain blond friend of his.

"Sorry, Touka," he muttered and went back to grinding coffee beans. Touka turned to roll her eyes before continuing over to an empty table and wiping it down.

Anteiku was a warm, homely place. It welcomed many, but revealed its secrets to few. It smelled inviting, with its typical pleasant cafe scent. And sometimes, the false security of the place drew Kaneki into his thoughts, allowed him to wander. And usually, his thoughts wandered to Hide. His best friend since childhood.

The black-haired ghoul raised his gaze again, watching Hide chat with Yoriko. Both humans were waiting for their friends to get off work and had taken to waiting together.

Something pricked Kaneki's chest as he watched Hide, gesturing animatedly and expression ever changing as their conversation flowed. He didn't think it was spite, but he didn't know what else it could be. They just looked so...  _happy._

Was he  _jealous?_

He was ridiculous sometimes. Kaneki sighed through his nose. Those feelings weren't justified. All he was doing was talking. It's not like Hide was suddenly going to replace him.

 _"Why shouldn't he? You haven't been there for him much at all lately,"_  Rize's voice taunted him.

Kaneki startled a bit, looking around. He hoped no one noticed. He swallowed and went back to his job--he couldn't be slacking off again. Touka would give him hell about it later.

Time passed so excruciatingly slow when he wasn't stuck in his head. By the time they were closing, Kaneki felt like he'd spent the last several years rotting away at his job. He found himself staring at Hide again as he absentmindedly swept the floor.

Kaneki's gaze trailed down from the human's hair to his lips. He couldn't make out any details from where he stood, but he wondered what it would be like to feel his own lips against them-- _Oh._

He was doing it again, wasn't he?

The ghoul's eyes wandered back up to Hide's eyes--and found the blond was staring at him. Kaneki met his gaze for a brief second. Hide flashed him a grin as he took a sip of his otherwise untouched coffee. Now that Kaneki thought about it--wasn't the coffee cold? Either way, he blushed and looked down, not even returning the grin with his own small smile. His heart fluttered. Hide's smiles were always so warm, he really was like the sun in a lot of ways.

Kaneki had two secrets that he had kept from Hide.

One was that he was a ghoul.

The second was that he was terribly in love.

Kaneki really couldn't pinpoint an exact moment when he began to feel that way for his best friend--his heart would stutter in a way Kaneki thought only possible in books; he would sweat nervously, he always felt like he was holding his breath around Hide (and oftentimes was).

Those feelings slowly grew over the years, and Kaneki would notice them--through little things. He would notice the way Hide lit up the room, the way Kaneki was naturally drawn to him and his warmth, the way Kaneki found his gaze lingering, his casual touches turned awkward when he realized what he was doing.

Kaneki never thought he could gather the courage to ask.

And with these realized feelings for his best friend--another question came to mind. Was he gay? Bisexual? Pansexual? Something else?

He liked Rize, didn't he? Before the whole date-gone-wrong?

Well, yeah, he supposed he did. Rize was pretty; she seemed nice enough at the time, they shared similar interests--He wanted her as a girlfriend, right?

Or was he looking for a friend?

Kaneki didn't know anymore. He just knew it pained him when Hide teased him--asking him if there was a girl he liked. Well, he wasn't sure if he was attracted to her, but he thought she was cute.

But he was sure of one thing.

Really, Kaneki just wanted Hide to realize he was in love with  _him._

For all Hide was observant, he could be dense when it came to things involving him. How cruel. How very unintentionally  _cruel._

When Touka walked past him again, Kaneki realized he had been sweeping the same spot god-knows-how-many-times. Oops.

He quickly moved on to behind the counter, wanting to at least  _look_  productive. 

He cast the occasional glance in Touka's direction, but Yoriko was chatting her up as she worked, so at least the other ghoul was distracted.

Hide was staring out the cafe window, watching the few people that still wandered the streets walk by.

Kaneki bit his lip.

Even if he knew he liked HIde--it wasn't like he could act on his feelings anytime soon. Kaneki didn't think he could stand being his lover and hide the fact that he was a ghoul--heck, he could barely stand it then as it was, and that was just friends.

But he didn’t think he could stand to tell him either.

After all, who could love a monster?

When he finished sweeping, he gently set the broom back in the small storage closet near the back entrance.

Touka seemed more distracted than he was with Yoriko around. Kaneki raised his eyebrows as he watched them. Yoriko was always touching Touka in one way or another--rubbing their faces together, holding her hand, hugging her, playing with her hair--and he wondered how Touka felt about it. She didn't seem to enjoy being touched by anyone else.

Oh well.

_Hide._

He rested his elbow on the counter, using it to prop up his head with his hand as he stared at Hide.

It wasn't safe for Hide anymore. Kaneki couldn't make a move--could he?

He didn't know how long he stayed like that until he heard the familiar chime of the bell. Yoriko was walking out of the shop, waving goodbye to Touka.

It was no secret Touka liked Yoriko the way Kaneki liked Hide. Or at least not to him, anyway, though he was pretty sure Touka was the last one to realize it when she told him a few weeks ago. In a very not-emotional way, when she was telling Kaneki to stop staring at Hide like he was the love of his life.

Kaneki asked, "so what if he is?" half ironically, but it was all true. Touka had glared at him, but he continued, "It's no different from how you look at Yoriko. Ask her out already."

And so the two had a not-so-serious conversation about their love lives, drawing a snarky amusement from the other’s.  

It was nice to know he could at least tell someone, though. Hide was out of the question (after all, he was the one he had a crush  _on_ ).  And so was everyone else.

Admitting his not-so-straight crush always seemed more comfortable doing so to the people who had the least effect over his life first, but without telling random strangers. He wasn't  _that_  weird.

Touka was waving back at Yoriko, and when she turned around, Kaneki gave her a look.

"What?" she huffed.

Kaneki's mouth formed a small smirk, but shrugged and began drying the last of the glasses by hand. Touka elbowed him as she walked by to help.

When they finished, Kaneki hung his apron up and made his way to Hide.

_Hide._

Those expressive brown eyes looked up at him, and Kaneki's breath hitched.

"Yo, Kaneki," he greeted, raising a hand.

"Hey," Kaneki returned.

"I would ask if you want to hang out, but I think I should go home and do my homework, you know?" Hide grumbled.

Kaneki smiled, secretly relieved Hide didn't ask anything of him. Even if he knew he couldn't avoid Hide forever. "Yeah, you should. See you later, Hide," he said.

Hide gave his two-fingered salute and made his way out, leaving Anteiku empty besides its employees. Kaneki took his now empty cup and brought it to where Touka stood at the sink.

"What're you so nervous about?" she huffed as she started rinsing out the cup. 

Kaneki shrugged and leaned against the counter.

"It is about... the ghoul thing? Confessing?" she asked with a mildly amused glance. Kaneki felt his face heat up. "You know... I know I threatened his life, but... if worst comes to worst and he finds out, I won’t kill him if he doesn’t pose a threat, but... if he does and I have to, I will."

Actions like those that showed Touka could be kind were what Kaneki clung desperately to.

"Wow, what brought this change of heart? Yoriko?" he asked genuinely, only half teasing.

Touka glared as she cleaned out the mug. "Maybe. Does it really matter? Or are you nervous about confessing the  _other thing_?" she smirked.

Kaneki's blush reached his ears this time.

"I--" he spluttered. Touka sighed.

"Honestly, you're such a big wuss sometimes. Just ask him out. The worst he can do is reject you."

The _worst?_

Yeah, it was the worst for a reason!

Kaneki huffed and furrowed his eyebrows. "Touka... It's not that easy. I can't be around him so much; I could hurt him."

Touka's demeanor changed. It was her turn to glare, a scowl on her face. "Look, Kaneki, what about me and Yoriko? If I'm around her so much, am I gonna hurt her? Huh?" she challenged.

Kaneki swallowed as guilt hit him like a train. God. No, no. He was ridiculous. He ducked his head in shame. "Sorry, Touka... I just... After the Nishiki incident..."

"You didn't hurt him then," Touka cut him off sharply as she put the cup away with the rest.

"I could've!"

"Yeah, but you didn't! Everyone could've hurt someone at one point or another! And you know how many people won't? Most," Touka snapped. "I don't care what could've happened--I just know what did! And really, if you weren't such a big baby, you'd have moved on by now. It happened and you didn't hurt him, so there."

Touka's tone was uncompromising. Kaneki felt that that was the end of the discussion, and should he try to object, she would silence him.

He opened his mouth, but thought better of it and closed it again. Instead, he gave a small nod after he lifted his head.

"I guess... you're right, Touka."

"What a surprise," Tasha snorted in retort. She took off her apron. "Now let's get out of here."

They turned off the lights and locked up for the night before parting their separate ways.

And that gave Kaneki alone time, time alone with his thoughts, nagging and constant and _always there._

It was incessant, his thoughts of Hide, but really, he didn't mind. But he thought about what Touka said earlier.

If she wouldn't hurt Hide... then maybe he could know?

No, no. Just because Hide wouldn't get hurt didn't mean that the human suddenly would love and accept Kaneki. He'd think he was a monster.

He could almost hear Touka in his mind, snapping at him and demanding if she was a monster too.

So Kaneki banished the thought as he returned to his apartment and made his way into the bathroom, taking off his work clothes in favor of taking a shower.

Hide was his  _best friend_ \--was Kaneki willing to risk what they already had for his selfish want for--something else?

Maybe "more" wasn't the best way to describe it.

Friendship could be wholesome; it could be fulfilling without romance. And romance was excellent too, but comparing apples and oranges wasn't something Kaneki felt inclined to do.

He breathed a small sigh through his nose as he stepped under the running water, relishing its warmth.

Maybe he just needed to sleep on it. Well, that never really helped either. He knew that if he had something weighing down his thoughts--sleeping was the last thing he'd be doing. Sleeping only encouraged them more--through his dreams, which still taunted him with his feelings of Hide, fantasies and nightmares alike.

 _What am I doing?_  he thought to himself as he squirted some conditioner into his hand and began to massage it into his hair and scalp.

And frankly, he didn't have an answer. The immediate one would be “taking a shower,” but he knew that wasn't what he meant. He just didn't know what he was going to do about Hide.

Hide's lips on his, holdings hands, doing typical couple-stuff---Kaneki was so obviously smitten.

None of that could happen unless Kaneki did something first.

But what? How could he confess?

Kaneki bit his lip. He had the day off tomorrow--maybe they could do something then?

No, they couldn't be doing something, out somewhere. Kaneki ran his hands through his hair as he rinsed out the shampoo, visibly frowning to no one but himself.

If they were doing something, there'd be people around--so maybe they could hang out? Just the two of them? Would Hide even appreciate it? He did seem kind of busy--

And who said Kaneki had to confess tomorrow? Touka didn't say _when_ \--but he knew that if he didn't tomorrow, his resolve would shatter.

The half-ghoul sighed to himself as he grabbed the washcloth and began to wash his body. He didn't know what he was going to do. Maybe he should just let it happen? But how long would that take? Would it even happen if he allowed the conversation to go wherever?

Kaneki knew that at some point or another, he would have to approach the topic directly.

The fear of doing so followed him to bed when he covered himself with his blanket and squeezed his eyes tight until he fell into a fitful sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Kaneki woke up earlier than he usually did--5:36. But he knew that he couldn't go back to sleep if he tried.

The Hide problem still pressed down on his shoulders like a weight thrust upon them. It was starting to get painful, especially after he realized how  _right_  Touka was.

Kaneki reached over to the nightstand for his phone where it charged, unplugging it and bringing it over to himself where he lay on the bed.

Curled onto his side, Kaneki unlocked his phone and texted Hide.

 

 **November 14th 5:39**  
< Messages   **Hide**   Details

Kaneki} You wanna hang out today?

 

He knew he wouldn't get a response for a while, so he turned his phone off and threw it toward the foot of the bed. He sighed and let his face fall onto his pillow.

It was so early, but he was already awake. He lazily rolled over onto his back and rubbed at his eyes. His thoughts wandered back to Hide--they always did. All roads lead to Rome, right? Well, all his thoughts led to Hide.

No matter what he thought of, one way or another, it came back to the blond.

It was thirty minutes later when Kaneki finally gathered the will to get himself out of bed, clumsily rolling off and stumbling over to his closet.

And, looking through his closet, he realized that he had a lot of black clothes. He decided to throw on a simple sweater and black skinny jeans.

He sighed and made his way to his bathroom, getting ready for the day. He woke up so early he even got to read another chapter of his book before he got a text back from Hide, his phone vibrating in his back pocket.

He opened the text.

 

 **November 14th 8:03**  
< Messages   **Hide**  Details

Hide} Yeah!! im free whenever. You wanna come over? For lunch or something? My dads are working

 

Kaneki bit his lip as he read it.

What would he do? If he declined, he could look suspicious, wouldn't he? But at the same time, so would throwing up. Well, throwing up was probably more justifiable than not eating.

Kaneki sighed and squared his shoulders, texting Hide back.

 

Kaneki} Sounds good! I'll be over around noon

Hide} Great!!!

 

Kaneki smiled. Hide always seemed happy to have him over--but was he  _really_  happy? Yeah, Kaneki decided he knew Hide well enough to know at least when he was genuine (not that he was usually disingenuous or anything).

When noon came around, Kaneki was an anxious mess. He was fidgeting as he waited for Hide to open the door, and the half-ghoul could swear he was sweating bullets. His heart was racing a mile a minute.

He cracked an awkward smile as Hide opened the door. Hide's hair stuck out in all directions, worse than usual. Kaneki glanced inside to see if there was someone else there--but then he remembered the text, that both of Hide's fathers were working.

"You know what?" Hide asked. He didn't wait for Kaneki to answer as he went on, "I've decided I can fail at anything; including using a rice cooker. I might get food poisoning from eating this."

Kaneki snorted as he took off his shoes, stepping into Hide's home, shutting the door behind him. He wanted to mutter 'any food will give me food poisoning' but he knew he couldn't just casually say that. No matter how bitter he was.

"That bad?" Kaneki raised an eyebrow.

His nervousness eased a little with the presence of his best friend, of the person he was closest to--was he willing to gamble their friendship love? And another question: Would it change anything anyway?

Love was a dangerous game, after all. Was he ready for it? Was Hide?

Well, he couldn't know until he found out.

Kaneki felt a pang of guilt as he looked over at the rice Hide prepared. It smelled awful, but he didn't say that out loud. Human food reeked, it all tasted the same--disgusting. Nasty.

Was he really going to waste Hide's efforts?

But then Kaneki realized that there was only one bowl of rice in the kitchen. He looked to Hide curiously. "You're not done cooking yet?" he asked. "You want some help?"

Hide gave him a curious glance as he sat down. "No, I'm done. You kind of can't eat this stuff, can you?" he asked.

Kaneki froze.

His mouth parted slightly.

If his heart was racing before, it stopped then as he tensed up.

All he could do was stare at Hide blankly, his mind working slowly to process the words he just said. The words that shamelessly fell out of his mouth.

Hide watched him silently, tilting his head to the side a little and giving a small, warm smile.

"--I--" Kaneki stuttered out. He swallowed and let out a shaky breath. He fell silent and watched Hide as well, but couldn't hold his gaze for long. His eyes dropped to his shoes, which had suddenly appeared interesting.

Kaneki felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up. Hide was grinning at him. "It's okay, alright? I already knew."

Kaneki opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His throat tightened. His lip trembled.

Despite how casually Hide said it--Kaneki knew it was just what he needed to hear, and Hide probably knew too. For so long, he feared rejection, in more ways than one. He spent his time hiding himself away, rejecting himself in place of others. After all, wasn't it better to discard yourself before others could? Was it worth all the self-hatred that he forced down his throat, poured into his veins, and ingrained in his mind until it became a mantra?  

Somehow, denying a part of yourself was like taking off one of your limbs and expecting it to function as it usually would.

It was like cutting a leg off and expecting yourself to take more steps with it. Cutting a leg off just because if you didn't, other people would--and most of the time, that wasn't even true. It was unnecessary pain and the loss of support--of self-support. You couldn't support yourself if you had nothing to stand with--nothing to lean on.

It was suffocating and pressed heavily on his chest, and Hide simply brushed it away.

God, did it feel nice to be able to walk again, like Hide had been in place of crutches or a wheelchair or a prosthetic leg. It felt liberating to be able to breathe again. It felt like Kaneki just released a breath he had been holding for months. Kaneki could feel himself trembling.

Hide pulled him into a hug, and Kaneki found himself leaning into it, wrapping his arms around Hide's torso.

Hide knew.

Most of all--Hide was  _okay_  with it.

There was no disgust visible in his expression, no stiffness. No fear.

Tears formed in the ghoul's eyes as he sniffed. "Hide--" He buried his head in the crook of his best friend's neck, breathing in his scent. He let the tears silently fall down his face. The tears that didn’t leak out from under his eyepatch wetted it. He wanted Hide to know that he was _sorry, that he didn't deserve it, that he was being selfish, and he was_ \--

Hide pulled Kaneki closer as if he could tell what he was thinking.

And it was then Kaneki knew that he was _loved._  He felt love that was sickeningly sweet, the kind that melted his insides and caused his heart to flutter and heat to rise to his cheeks and everything cheesy one could read about.

But Hide was another kind of love, too. It was a calm, soothing love, the king that was steady and stable and anchoring and made him feel like he was coming home after a long day.

Hide gently pushed him back again, smiling softly. "It's alright."

Kaneki was going to ask when--but it was obvious, wasn't it? Hide probably found out during the Nishiki incident. Kaneki was about to open his mouth when warm, gentle fingers made their way to his ears, gently fiddling with the string around it.

The eyepatch fell to the ground.

While his kakuhou was not activated, he still felt--revealed. Kind of.

He swallowed.

Hide sighed. "I like to see both of your eyes, thanks," he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "But hey, at least you can make pirate jokes and no one can stop you!"

Kaneki let out a small laugh at that. He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. He felt so relieved, like a weight had been taken off his shoulders.

That was one more thing he didn't need to worry about--because Hide's reactions told him all he needed to know.

He was accepted.

Or at least, for the ghoul thing.

The anxiety plowed into him again, knocking the air from him. He must've been making a face because Hide gestured for him to sit down next to him.

Kaneki bent down to pick up the eyepatch before joining him, but he didn't put it back on. Hide smiled as he grabbed the chopsticks and raised some rice to his mouth with it.

He was almost glad for Hide's silence. He knew the blond was usually chatty, but he seemed to sense Kaneki's need for it.

He just needed to gather his courage, and he didn't think he could if Hide spoke, or changed the subject.

"So you're--fine? With this?" Kaneki asked quietly.

Hide nodded and spoke, "Well--yeah. You're still my best friend."

Kaneki felt his hands form fists as he looked down. "Aren't you scared?" The question came out quietly, but he was surprised that he didn't waver. His voice didn't break.

Hide raised his eyebrows as he swallowed. "No?" It was more of a question as if to ask why he would.

Kaneki sighed, eyes still a bit red and puff, but he was no longer crying, unless he thought about it again. Then he would. But then, it was probably Hide being so casual that saved him from his tears. Things seemed  _normal_. And really, he just wanted a normal life, so he appreciated Hide's efforts.

While Hide ate, Kaneki looked back up again. His eyes always found his hair first--it reminded him of a sunflower. The brown roots that were growing out and the blond hairs sticking up. Hide's eyes were cast downward as he ate, but occasionally flickered back up to Kaneki to observe him. His brown eyes were dark pools, they were expressive yet secretive and captured his interest, the same eyes that compelled Kaneki to meet his gaze so many times before. His nose was cute, if a nose could be considered that. His lips were thin and slightly chapped, and Kaneki found himself again wondering what they would feel like--

Kaneki swallowed as his cheeks heated up. "Um--Hide?" he spoke up quietly.

Hide smiled with his eyes as he looked up at him. "Yeah?"

Kaneki sighed. "Don't talk with your mouth full."

Hide only stuck his tongue out at Kaneki playfully, but said nothing else as he chewed. A warm feeling flooded Kaneki, and he found himself smiling fondly.

"But really..." Was Kaneki seriously going to do this?

But he remembered his conversation with Touka.

"We've known each other for like... more than ten years now," Kaneki began slowly, choosing his words carefully. Hide smiled as he nodded, setting down his chopsticks.

"Yep. Kind of hard to believe, isn't it?" he agreed.

Kaneki grinned and nodded. He wondered what had gotten into him. But whatever it was, it thrummed through him like the blood in his veins. He was feeling assured with all the little things Hide did--making him feel like Hide was really listening. Because he was. Hide had this thing with him--he seemed to know precisely what Kaneki needed, and exactly when. Just the thought made him melt. A blush dusted his cheeks as he continued, "Yeah... you're my best friend..."

Hide grinned again. "I would hope so. You could never replace me, Neki. No matter how much I know you want to." 

Kaneki chuckled. "I wouldn't dream of it... You're probably the person who's closest to me. So... Hide... do you think you'd be okay with... maybe..." he trailed off. His face felt like it was on fire once the realization of what he was doing sunk in.

"Are you... asking me out?" Hide asked, face carefully blank--emotions guarded. Kaneki thought he could see a flash of some unnamed emotion in his eyes.

The half-ghoul swallowed and looked down at his hands. "Only... only if you want me to..." he said quietly and lamely. God, was that the best he could do?

He was sure to be rejected. Hide probably didn't even like him, he liked Touka, didn't he? Kaneki's heart dropped into his stomach. The warm feeling that previously flooded him ran cold.

Hide gave him a tender smile, probably to gently let him down--

"Of course I'd want to, you idiot. I love you, you know that, right?" Hide's smile widened, making the corners of his eyes wrinkle. The cold melted away in Kaneki, replaced with a slight shock.

Kaneki was smiling stupidly. He let out a small laugh. "I love you too, Hide."

Hide grinned. "You're such a dork, Kaneki," he murmured as he leaned in and gave Kaneki a small peck on the lips that turned into an actual kiss. Kaneki welcomed it.

His lips were soft against his own. Kaneki could vaguely taste the human food on them, but it wasn't terrible. Their first kiss was warm and pleasant, but it was awkward and sloppy and their noses brushed and their teeth clacked together when their inexperienced mouths tried to deepen the kiss.

They were both giggling as they drew apart, embarrassed by how bad it was--but how they enjoyed it nonetheless.

"Okay, so maybe we need to work on that a bit," Hide laughed.

Kaneki had no more secrets to keep  _from_ his most precious person, but one to keep _between_  them. And of all his secrets, Hide was his favorite by far.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
